Anger Breeds a Beast

I was angry. Angry at everything. Angry at everyone. No where to turn but my eyes up to God railing at all the injustices and asking why. The last question we should ever ask, but when I was stuck in the mire I could only ask,

Why is this happening to me? What did I EVER do to deserve this?

After the divorce in July of 2014, while living in Lakeland, FL in my mothers’ home, I survived.  If I did anything; it was only survive.

Two weekends a month my mother and I would make the hour and a half drive to Sarasota to pick Lyla up under the watchful eye of my ex’s mother and sometimes aunt.  Then we would rack our minds of what we could do to visit while staying out of the heat and making the most of our time together.

These are some of the moments we were able to share during this time of separation.  This first picture was our first visit, the second was a luncheon and you can see by the way Lyla hangs on her big brother that she is missing being with him and the third my dear saint of a mother arranged us a Bibbity Bobbity Boop princess day for her birthday. This time was to last only for six months whereupon I could petition the courts for more time or a change in the court order.

We hired an attorney only to learn that he was making back-door deals with Brian’s lawyer that would support Brian’s family and attorney and their agenda instead of mine or what was best for Lyla.  We ended up firing him, of course.  He was a complete failure.  A total let down and another traumatic event that left me feeling hopeless.

The time ticked on and the weekends kept coming and the days kept ending.  My mother and I would drive six hours a day to visit with Lyla for seven hours.  We wanted to make sure Lyla still knew she had another family, so we would ask to take Lyla out of Sarasota county if only to make sure Lyla remembered her other home, her other family.  We would get my cousins kids and Lyla together, we would have Christmas on days where we could have Lyla.  We would try and arrange to have Lyla experience the other side of her family.  It was hard.  It was hard to look at her when we picked her up knowing that in a few short hours I would drop her off again and I would not be able to see her for another two weeks.  It was killing me, slowly.

My ex’s and his family even denied my mother, cousin and sister from having time with Lyla.  They did not want to expose Lyla to her mother outside of the designated time the court had ordered I could see her.  They were afraid my family would let me see Lyla; even if that time was spent at their own home and I came over- they said no.

During this incredibly vulnerable time for me I thought;

If I could only find a lawyer to fight for me and my daughter- she suffers’ more than I.

Lyla would cry to her grandmother and cry to her father about missing me.  They did not want me to know that.  They would coach Lyla on what she could tell me and whenever we dropped Lyla off they would interrogate her on everything that happened that day and everyone she saw.  They twisted everything around.  Lyla cried when I asked her how she had scraped her knee and would not tell me how she had scraped her knee.  I got so upset that she refused to tell me, that I finally looked her in her little face and said,

Why can you not tell mommy what happened? She answered, because they said I will never get to see you ever again if I tell!

Then her face scrunched up and turned red as she wailed.  Can you imagine my heart break?  Can you imagine my anger at not being able to protect her from their manipulations?

People took and took and took from me. Without family, people I had considered friends, a man I was quite attached too, my ex’s family all of them took from me. I kept allowing it. I had no other choice but to let it all happen. Feeling forsaken on all fronts.

I had only to renew my faith that I remembered that good people don’t go around ruining other people’s lives. But those wicked hearts and evil and lost souls that do not fear God’s wrath will take from you with nothing to ever give back in return.

And like the sweet cleansing rain He makes right the wrongs of sinners and evil doers. Foiled at every attempt to break me. God knows my heart and for me has judged me truly. He has preserved me as He has promised all His people that turn to Him and believe in Him.

I had no hope. God gave me his. I had no way out, yet He showed me the way. I was scared and He made me a way through the fear free of terror.

The fear breed in me an anger that had no outlet other than working myself into shear exhaustion by working outside.  Cleaning till my fingers bled.  Working on DIY projects for Lyla and my son in the garage with sweat dripping skin pinked with heat, yet I would keep going.

Only with God’s promises and reminders and grateful prayers of thinks was I able to be delivered into this life.

He smites those that attacked me. After awhile, No good has come to them. One has fled. One is no more. One is maimed and yet more are living the life of a beggar.

My blessings are great. My blessings freely given for the heart I promised to God alone. And He gave me my loves back. My children of God that He granted me the responsibility of raising. Because he knows my heart.

I did make through to the other side of all this torment.  My story did not change from here.  I still had more trauma to go through before I would get to this life I currently live, but I made it.  Just remember- You can too.

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