Psalm 36 reminds me that I too have a message from God.
“heart concerning God before”
“ ” Psalm 36
My story does not get easier, but it is time to remind myself and someone else out there in the ether, that if it were not for God I would not have made it through these horrifying experiences and these hopeless times. For I was hopeless. I was fearful and I was attacked by the demons of the devil for several years. I let the devil’s worshippers grab a hold of my most dreaded fears and make them into a reality to drive me away from God.
But then in my most trying times, my worst nightmares realized; I was given a gift from God.
I kept asking “why” and in the dark of night huddled on the floor with a knife and a flashlight out of fear of what the maniacs in my life were doing to me and had me reduced to a wild fearful creature I asked Him,
“ I am sorry I am not worthy of your love; why do you not love me?”
in those small moments. He would give me His sight. He had removed Himself and His angels from me, but He would end up giving me protection through HIS wisdom and HIS sight. So the next time I faced one of the demons that had entered my life- I was given the opportunity to understand how to protect myself and expose their plots. Even if only to them and myself I was given to understand what was happening.
Even if no one believed me at that time, I believed, and soon they too thought I was too smart and shook their heads in amazement as I told them of their own plots and how they would not work. I laughed in their faces.
But in those dark moments of night when I called out to God, I did not feel alone anymore anymore. The fear slid off of my shoulders at the same time I felt a warmth of a strong shoulder rest on top and around my own. It was the words I heard in my heart in those moments that said,
“Silly, child, I would never forsake you, but it is you whom has forsaken Me.
You have turned to me now when I have removed everything and everyone for who you could turn, so that you could be reminded that I am your LIGHT and I am the only One to whom you should ever turn to. It is My path and My plan that is the Only path you can be on where there is Light, Forgiveness and Love. I am that light, I am the Forgiver and I am everlasting Love.
Let Me show you the way. For I have never left you, nor forsaken you, but you have My plan to fulfill. You have My purpose for which the blessings will be many, but you will follow Me and Know that it is I that can do anything and it is I that is mightier than any of these little things you are so scared of- You have only to listen and follow and these demons will drop like flies at your feet now that you have turned to me”
. I left my faith, hope and confidence by the wayside because a maniac entered my life and I let his lies and threats and manipulations take root inside my mind. Those abusive words that told me I was not good enough. I was a bad mother, a worse wife, and if it was possible the worse kind of person. All because of one man’s lies to another and then another that I was guilty of some such nonsense for which I was completely unaware. Which I knew not to be true, but when so many clamber together from different corners of your life to tell the lies about you it becomes easier and easier to believe them.
I turned from God. I was the recalcitrant child running from the disciplining Father that would only save the day if I would have turned to Him instead of trying to rely on myself because I felt unworthy of anyone’s help or love.
Everyone had turned on me. I was alone and because of this I was removed from the protection of His angels and love because of my bitterness that I felt unworthy of those that had left my life and unworthy of any help from people. I had turned my back on Him and my family instead of turn towards Him.
It was only then when I had turned to Him out piercing fear in the solitude and fear with tears streaming down my face that I was reminded.
Reminded that psalmists words that so piercingly said;
is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings…
Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the upright in heart.”
Because my heart was righteous, myself genuine and true. I had never left whom I was. I was still here just battered and bruised. The strong woman I had always known, the outspoken, loyal friend and the sentinel for those that would hurt people I loved was still there… just buried deep under the devil’s handiwork.
I was reminded that the devil only attacks those who pose the greatest of threats to his purpose. I was reminded that the greater the threat and the greater the blessings I was to be given or already have was the reason and if I only remembered who I was I could be redeemed. So I prayed.
In Jesus’ name, God hear me. Forgive me, I have been childish, forgive me for turning from you. I love you. I remember that you love me. With you I can accomplish all things and You will remind me of my strength and put on all Your armor and all of the angels beside me and You in front of me; only You will defeat them, but you will give me what I need to survive. To testify. Amen.
And so, I was given gifts of His sight. What does that mean, you may be asking yourself. Well, quite literally I was able to foresee within the next year in those darkest moments of fear what was being plotted and planned to, in effect, break me. Break in the sense, that there were people planning to malign me to the point where I would be declared pathologically crazy or legally a criminal. People had planned to debase, defame and defraud me. But I was able to see with clarity what was being done. Through my courage and steadfast belief in myself, which was restored by God, He gave me the sight and wherewithal to fight back, protect myself, and those I loved.
Never has a woman overcome so much without any other helping hand in her life than the hand of God. Unseen, unbelieved and without help other than His. Which is what he wanted all along. How else could I sit here right now in my big beautiful home with both my children and my husband back by my side and a booming career with the courage to tell my story? Because I turned to God and He has restored me to where I should be.
I am sitting here in my big beautiful home, with my family restored and an amazing career and all my family both small and large back standing tall behind me believing in me and in my story.Faith restored to all and my testimony for God’s greatness and His ability that even with all that stood against me; I rose. I rise!